I Need You, Lord

I have wrestled with starting a blog for a while now. I’ve wondered what I would even write about. Is anything in my life so interesting that others would think so too? Probably not. I’m not so funny or clever or remarkably introspective that writing for anyone else would be rewarding in any way.

So I am not really writing for anyone else on this earth.

I am writing for me, but I am writing to Him.

I have struggled so long with my spirituality and my faith that it is time to do some analyzing, and I know the only one who could ever understand and forgive my doubts and fears the way I need for them to be understood and forgiven is the very same one who those doubts and fears are pointed towards.

Help me, Lord, to find you in this place. Help me, please, to look for you even when you seem far away. Help me to enjoy you and praise you when it feels like you are near. I know that You are always here. Help me to follow you even when it’s hard to do. I feel so often as though I ignore the little voice in my heart that tells me to speak for you, to do for you, to represent you. So often I tell it to go away. I reason with it saying that I don’t know what to do, how to start, how to quit, how to keep from embarrassing myself. I am ashamed of how often I feel as though I’m ignoring an opportunity to be all about You. But I just don’t know where to start. Help me, Lord to be Your hands and feet. I want to emanate your presence. I want for people to see you through me. I need Your guidance in this journey, because I feel sometimes as if I’m all alone.

You have blessed me with such a beautiful life. A perfect little family, a loving husband and growing child. I am truly, truly thankful every day for all (or most) that I have. I am not lonely in that I’m walking through this life alone. But I am lonely in my walk towards you. My husband has never been a spiritual person. You know better than I the conversations we have had on the matter, the heated, tear-filled discussions that leave us both frustrated and wanting to just move on with our lives without having to ever bring it up again. It’s so difficult to talk to him about You when I know he is trying not to hurt my feelings with what he really thinks. I have prayed, sporadically, for years that his heart would soften and he would find You in his own way and on Your time. I know that Your time may be different than my own, but I feel this urge to give up that prayer for him and concentrate on me. In focusing so much attention on wanting him to find You, I feel like I have lost You, or like I have assumed that my relationship with You has been as good as it could be and  that he is falling behind. But now I feel like I am.

Help me to get back to you. Help me to be an example of you. For my husband. For our son. For the people around me who know you not.

For me.

I need you, Lord. Not because I am unhappy, but because I am unfulfilled. I have long known that I am not on this earth for no reason. You want something of me, to live for You. And I have ignored that calling, though vague, for a long time now. I don’t know what you want me to do. Part of me hopes that it is just to raise children that know you and love you and go on to do great things in Your name. But, if I’m being honest – and You know that I am – I, myself, do not want to do great things. The idea scares me more than anything.

I am afraid of failure, of ridicule, of judgement, of losing my husband, of all these things and more.

And all I can think to say is, Lord help me. Because I do not know where to begin overcoming that fear. I do not know where to begin living a life for you. I do not know where to begin telling my husband that I want to be a more obvious, more deliberate, more involved, and more passionate Christian.

This is me trying to begin. Show me, please, what I need to surrender. Give me, please, the courage to do so.

I am Yours.

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